Finding the Right Nanny / Au Pair in Canada

” Lisa is a goal-oriented, successful businesswoman and loving, attentive mom. But just as she and Mike were to begin the Nanny / Au pair search, Lisa called a halt to the process. Concerns about being replaced and worries about the attachment relationship between her Nanny / Au pair and the children were sabotaging her efforts to start the process.

The reality of leaving her babies in the arms of another woman day after day while she went to work sent a chilling fear through Lisa’s bones. In her rational mind, Lisa wanted her children to develop a close, loving relationship with their Nanny. In her heart she worried she would be replaced. If her children spent more time with their Nanny / Au pair, would they love her more than mom?

There was another worry. ‘You might think I’m crazy” Lisa argued, “but if I hire someone who has more experience than I do, won’t I come in second? If the Nanny / Au pair knows more ways to soothe a crying baby, when to start solid foods, how to toilet train or to get kids down for their nap, won’t she do a better job than a first-time mom who is getting on-the-job training with her kids?

Lisa continued. Do you remember the Beatles’ song Money Can’t Buy Me Love? Here I am paying someone to love my children! I want her to be nurturing, warm and loving with them. I want her to love my kids, but is it possible for anyone to be paid to love a child?

Mary woke up startled from a dream. She was in a very expensive restaurant drinking a Cosmopolitan over lunch with another woman she didn’t know. The woman was very animated, attractive and obviously single. She was waving her hands around and, in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear, was recounting the details of her latest Mind date. That was when Mary woke up. Her very first thought was: What am I doing hiring anyone to take care of my kids? Why would I leave them with a stranger when it’s my responsibility to take care of my own kids? Who do I think I am anyway … single with no kids? What am doing?.

Five Heartfelt Worries about Hiring a Nanny / Au pair

In my work I’ve found there are Five Heartfelt Worries many parents experience during the process of finding a Nanny or Au pair. These often work their way into the relationship parents create with their Nanny / Au pair once she begins working with them. These lie deep within a parent’s bones and rattle when shaken from hibernation. Every parent feels them in his or her own way and most parents experience them at various intensities and different times during and after the search. If left unrecognized and unmanaged, these worries can throw the most well informed and thoughtful parent off course and put them at risk of making the wrong hiring decision or losing a trustworthy, competent Nanny / Au pair they’ve hired. To become an Au pair in Australia register here as au pair.

The Unhealthy Response: I can’t trust my Nanny / Au pair. My antennas are up and I’m constantly scanning her and my child for any sign that something is wrong. I can’t leave them alone for any length of time. I question her every move, her judgment and her intent. I find myself hovering over her, intervening when it might be better to let her take full responsibility. I fire her for a small infraction. I never learn to trust her.

The Unfortunate Result: I end up with a revolving door of Nannies — none of whom can be trusted.

Worry No. 1
Can I trust the Nanny / Au pair with my child?

Every parent worries and wants to be certain their child is safe and nurtured. If parents didn’t worry about their child’s safety and care, we would be more than concerned. After all, a parents’ worry is a sign of just how much they love their child.

At some point in their child’s young life, a parent has to trust someone enough to separate and leave their child in the care of a responsible adult. This challenge is most difficult when parents hire a Nanny / Au pair. Often this Nanny or Au pair is someone they have known only for a brief period of time, perhaps someone they have met through an announcement online or from a notice posted on a community bulletin board. Who is this person? Where is she from and can I trust what she says? What will she do with my child when I’m not home?

How much does a parent need to know about the Nanny / Au pair to trust she would act responsibly? In the next sections you will learn what information to gather about your Nanny / Au pair to ensure you know “enough” to begin to trust her, and, over time through positive experiences, to trust her more.

Over the years I have come to realize that parents use what I call a “healthy sense of denial” when they leave their child in the care of someone they have known for a short period of time. It is “healthy” because they know “enough” to trust she will do no harm and it is “denial” because they can’t really know “enough” in such a short period to trust her completely.

The Unhealthy Response; No matter how much time my Nanny / Au pair spends with my child, I’ll do everything possible to prevent her from having a close relationship with my child, including firing her if I get the slightest inclination she has something “special” in their relationship that I can’t be part of.

The Unfortunate Result: Parents hire a Nanny who cannot have a close, nurturing relationship with their child or hire a series of good Nannies and Au pairs who get too close and then have to leave.

Worry No. 2
I’ll be replaced. My child will love my Au pair more than me. ( I will come in second place to my competent Au pair )

Many parents have a secret fear of being replaced by their Au pair This worry is a normal and expectable concern for many parents. It is particularly intense for parents who are away from home for large parts of the day while their Au pair is with their child. As mentioned before, I’ve seen parents create a spreadsheet of “quantity of time spent with Au pair ” vs. “quantity of time spent with mom” as an attempt to reconcile their worry. If the balance sheet doesn’t even the score, they then try a measurement of “quality time spent with Au pari ” vs. “quality time spent with mom.” Most often all this exercise does is give a parent a sense of control over their worry. Rarely, however does it alleviate it.

There are plenty of arenas that fuel this concern. In the recent Nanny Diaries the author creates a neglectful “Mrs. X” as a counterpoint to the attentive, dedicated Nanny. The question is thus silently raised: Who is the rightful mom? Who does the child love best?

From a more scientific and objective viewpoint, it is well documented that children know who their parents are. Research also shows that children have the capacity to create complex, meaningful and individualized relationships with the adults caring for them. The relationship a child creates with her Au pair will be different in unique ways than the relationship the child has with his or her parents. Over time and through many experiences with their child, parents learn they can’t be replaced in their rightful role as parents and that their child will have a relationship with the Au pair that will be different from theirs.

The Unhealthy Response; I’ll hire only those who are less skilled than me or I’ll treat my otherwise competent Au pair as though she doesn’t know what to do. In contrast, some parents anxiously withdraw from their child because they feel incompetent. They interpret their child’s behavior as rejection and any advice or comment from their Au pair as a threat.

The Unfortunate Result: Your child may receive less than adequate care and you may not have a resource for answers to your parenting questions.